Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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