whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
