oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
