Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
