: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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