Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
