There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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