Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just pee around me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
