I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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