I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
