I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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