This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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