is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
