Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't put those talents on a resume
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