You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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