You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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