Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
