wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
then he tried to convert me to islam
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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