Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
