Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
