I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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