Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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