I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
