So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
