btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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