I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
