Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
