last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
