When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
