can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
