Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
