I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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