watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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