New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
