The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's shark week go big or go home
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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