make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
