I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
