your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
