he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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