end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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