life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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