Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
