I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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