saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She even gives head with a lisp.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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