I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
