I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
