I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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