Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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