My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
