My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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