her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
